Reading people is a pretty useful skill but can, unfortunately, be a little confusing at times. Not everyone knows what the stages are, and even when you do, you need to know the ”stop points” and to do that you need to be conscious of what stage you are in. For this discussion, I will touch on each of the seven stages briefly, noting the four stop points. I the future I will probably go into more detail about some of these stages and what I have read certain signs to read.
Stage 1 – Visual Assessment
This is something we all do, whether consciously or subconsciously, and can be one of the most influential stages in reading someone. It will often dictate what the intent of your interaction with this new person. There are exceptions, of course, like already being in a business setting, or meeting friends of a spouse or other friend, the expected intent is understood, though not always followed. In this stage, you make a quick assessment of the person based on their visual appearance. Are they attractive, clean, dirty, well dressed, etc? All of those factors are taken in and assumptions are made about the person. These quick assessments will most likely be changed over time, but in the case where you are looking for romance, this is your first stop point. Looking at this person, do you want to get a better read on them, or is your first impression enough?
Stage 2 – Greetings
These will be the first words exchanged between you and the person you are trying to read. Greetings are normally overlooked as a formality when meeting someone, but can really start to shape your read of someone. Does the subject greet you first? Is their confidence in the greeting? Is it over-friendly? Is it cold? Loud? All indicators on their intent of this meeting as well as some insight into their personality.
Aside from the verbal greeting, there is typically a physical exchange of some sort. A handshake, a hug, a kiss on the cheek; each physical interaction also has tell tale signs. Is the handshake firm or loose, does it turn your hand or push it down? Is the hug “motherly” or is it overly enthusiastic? Does it last a little longer than it should?
Stage 3 – Posture and Attention
I debated not including this, or maybe collapsing it into another stage, but I feel it is important enough to stand on its own. Posture and attention can very subtle indicators when reading someone and very often overlooked. When talking to someone, how are they sitting, straight up or slouched? Are they constantly changing positions or fidgeting? If they are standing, where are their arms? At their sides? Crossed in front of them? Behind them?
As for their attention, where are they looking? Into your eyes? Away? Are they looking around or reading something else while “listening” to you? Are they constantly looking at their watch, or their hands? Pay close attention to someones eyes, they can speak volumes.
Stage 4 – Initial Discussion
This stage is where you really start forming your read of someone. You get to hear them speak, perhaps learn about their likes or dislikes, education and background. What you are learning here really comes through just listening. Yes, there can be some subtle clues and pickups, often hidden in their manner, cadence, speaking volume and the fluidity of their speech. Any slang they may use or curse words, can be an indicator of comfort level. Again, much of what you will learn here comes from just listening. Stage 4 is also another stop point, typically in a business setting, especially with a superior this is as far as you will go with your read. Anything you learn, will come from normal discussion. That is not to say you cannot make friends in a business setting, you just need to know if it is possible with that person.
Stage 5 – Testing the Waters
This can be a tough one but is crucial to getting a really good read on someone. It often involves saying something completely off the wall, crude, or controversial. A perfect example was when I had dinner with some of my wives friends for the first time. I had a pretty good read on most of them but wanted to see how relaxed they were. I forget exactly what the discussion was, but I came out with, “If a womans vagina tastes like fish, does that mean if I go down on a tuna, I’ll taste human?” The initial silence had me worried for a brief moment, but soon after everyone was laughing and having a good time. It was a good stepping stone and lent some great insight to their sense of humor.
Stage 6 – Judging the Reaction
Just because they may laugh at the joke you told, or giggled at your off the wall comment, doesnt necessarily mean they found it funny or amusing. You need to really gauge the reaction carefully to determine if they were just being polite or if you can keep testing the waters. Either way, if you determine that the test was a failure or it was a success, you gained some additional insight into this person.
Stage 7 – Resuming the Discussion
By now you should have a pretty good read on the subject, of course it can be refined later, but you should know what the basic limits are and what you can and cannot comfortably discuss. This is a large stop point as well. Based on all that you now know about the person, do you want to push past this acquaintance level and pursue a true friendship? That often requires further reading as friendships should be deep and you should understand each other as best as possible. If you do want to keep going, jump back to Step 5 – Testing the Waters, to find out what else they are comfortable with. Again, no matter their reaction, you at least gain more insight.
